Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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