i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think your dad took our porno
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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