Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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