Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize