mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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