the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
