I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
