I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
