This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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