After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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