i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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