i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
