Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
