from now on my penis is your penis
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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