I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I need to calm my uterus...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
