Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
