I think I won the penis lottery.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
