I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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