had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
