I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
