Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
