how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
