Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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