i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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