i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
