I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My penis needs a shock collar
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
