farters have to be the big spoon...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
