I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
