Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
