Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
