Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
