It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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