Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
