The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
