I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
