Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
