I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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