He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
