I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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