so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
