I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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