I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
