Where did you get a picture of my penis
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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