I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How naked do you want me to be?
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