I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
