why didn't you poke me back
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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