I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
