I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
