There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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