i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I deserve this hangover.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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