My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize