took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
