Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i drank out of a bidet.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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