This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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