John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize