My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
