Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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