You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
