The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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