Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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