If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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