They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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