i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
