Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
